Today I neither brushed my hair, nor showered. I brushed my teeth. I thought it appropriate to put on deodorant. I was not going anywhere. I have resigned from being the production team on call. I have come to a full stop. For now, all I can do is mourn you, my Beloved.
A bee flew in through the open window. It kept on buzzing and bumping itself against the window pane. I opened all the windows in the vicinity and attempted to guide it towards freedom. It kept on falling to the ground and searching the big window pane for a way out where there was none. No matter how much I resist mourning and attempt to flee from it, it just keeps on pushing itself relentlessly into my periphery. I attempted to work on the self-care webinar that I had to deliver. All I faced was the intensity of the obstacles we experience in self-care: There is always something else that is extremely urgent and important and higher on the list of priorities than looking after yourself. It was time for extreme measures. I resigned from doing work that was not mine. I withdrew from producing wellness webinars now, for I am not well. I am mourning after experiencing the biggest trauma of my life. Part of that process is to collapse, even if it means a loss of self-esteem.
During a training session with the team, I asked each one to pick a photo that resonated with where they are now and a second photo of where they would like to be. As I unpacked the photos on the table for them to choose from, my eyes caught my choices immediately. Where I am at was portrayed by a signpost with the words “Uncertainty 5” on it. I have a lot of questions with no answers. In five months I need to move out of our house. I do not know where I will go. I do not know if the life cover on your policy will pay out or if there was a self-death exclusion. I do not know if the outstanding bond on our house in Pretoria had insurance included to cover it. I do not know…
I remember Abram’s instructions from God. Genesis 12:1-2 “Now (in Haran) the Lord said to Abram. Go for yourself (for your own advantage) away from your country, from your relatives and your father’s house, to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation and I will bless you (with abundant increase of favours and make your name famous and distinguished, and you will be a blessing (dispensing good to others).”
My God, I declare that in five months, You will show me where to go. At 61 years, I am not interested to be the Sarah of the Bible that bore children at a late age. I will welcome more spiritual children to love and mentor. I am not interested in fame. I do want to be a blessing, dispensing good to others.
From next week my blogs will focus on “A new season” with reflections on my grief sprinkled in between.
Annette de la Porte